Differences in Marriage

I feel as if something is missing in my marriage of 20 years. We have been to counseling in the past. There is a lot going on in our situation that brings much resentment. If you were to ask him, I am sure he would say our marriage is fine. What am I supposed to be giving him? I feel as though I have nothing left to give. Everything I have within me has gone into him, the business, and my kids; and I feel as though I have lost myself. I feel angry and sad that I cannot overcome it. You stated that the husband is not there to make us happy, but should they not be there to build us and help to make us feel good about who we are. Sometimes I feel as a fixture in a room that he ignores. I wish there was a way for us to understand one another?

There is, but the road isn't an easy one.

Communication is the life blood of any relationship.

When you give and give in your marriage and your husband has limits to his giving, what do you do?

Your husband has "chosen" to have limits to his giving. What do you do with this choice?

My spouse and I have attended marital classes together. Even after attending these classes and trying to follow God's direction for my marriage, my spouse continued to ask for a divorce. I finally consented, and now he wants to stay together because of financial reasons - not because he loves me and wants to make the marriage work. What do I do?

All three questions center on what you do when you feel your relationship is hopeless. If your feelings of hopelessness aren't addressed, everything else becomes irrelevant. Your marital happiness depends upon each partner taking responsibility for discovering and committing to meeting the needs of their partner.

The issue isn't that you are unable to take this responsibility, but rather the loss of "initiative" or "desire" to act in the best interest of your spouse and marriage. The loss of initiative is centered on the emotions that are produced from the status of your relationship and the absence of getting "Your Needs Met."

When God made man, He equipped him with emotion. God never intended for your emotion to be the King in your life! Satan wants you to enthrone your emotions, so that the most important thing in your life is how you feel right now. Satan wants to deceive you to think that the way you feel is beyond your ability to control the choices you make.

When marital conflict arises, negative emotions come in the same package!

Who is responsible for how I feel and my emotional status?

The moment you assign someone else or something else the power to control your feelings and emotions - at that moment - you have become a self-identified victim, and you're powerless to change, because a victim by definition is someone without power. If you buy the lie that you cannot be happy unless others do what you want them to do, you have just lost any chance of a victorious life.

Don't let the sin of another person rule the destiny of your life! Don't empower forces beyond your control to be responsible for how you feel.

True adult emotional health begins when we take responsibility for our own feelings. I will either choose my attitude, or I will be a victim floating upon the very high waves of emotional irresponsibility.

When we justify permitting others to rule our feelings and emotions, we are in essence saying, "I have earned the right to be this way, because of what others have done to me."

Proverbs 10:12 - Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love covers all offenses.

If one person in the marriage has a positive attitude and his or her spouse is generally negative, how do you work this out without it always being a conflict between you? And how do you discuss this with your children--not wanting them to approach life in the same negative way? How do you bring peace in your home when the negative person always seems to win? Backing down to keep peace doesn't work. Any suggestions?

People do what they do because of who they are, not who you are.

Put the Word of God into your children's hearts and minds on a consistent basis. Even in less than ideal situations, God's Word is an incorruptible seed.

What is the best way to find out what your spouse's emotional needs are, so that you can meet them, instead of trying to meet his needs going by your own personal needs, which may not meet his needs at all? What steps did you take to learn how to appreciate your spouse the way he or she is (rather than trying to change them to be more like you)?

Ask deep and meaningful questions. (How does this make you feel?)